Leave Room to Be Surprised

I've got some people figured out.

At least I think I do.

I know what they're going to say.

I know how they're going to react.

I know what they'll do when they're challenged.

And the uncomfortable part?

I'm usually right.

Which is exactly why I need to be careful.

Usually. That’s the problem. There’s room for error in usually.

Don’t get me wrong. Experience matters. Patterns matter.

If someone has responded the same way ten times, it's not unreasonable to expect them to respond that way the eleventh. 

That's not necessarily judgment.

Sometimes it's just paying attention.

But I've been thinking lately about what happens when a reasonable expectation quietly becomes certainty.

There's a difference between:

I have good reason to believe this person will respond this way.

and

I know how this person will respond.

That difference may look pretty small.

But I'm not so sure it is.

Because once I've decided I already know, curiosity becomes pretty unnecessary.

Why have the conversation if I already know how it will go?

Why ask the question if I already know the answer?

Why approach someone with an open mind if years of experience tell me exactly what I'm going to find?

And that's where I've been challenging myself.

Because curiosity doesn't require me to ignore the evidence.

It only requires me to leave room for something I may not yet know.

And this isn't curiosity when curiosity is easy.

It's curiosity when I have every reasonable justification for believing I already know the answer.

That's where blind spots get interesting.

Anybody can be curious when they don't know.

But can I remain curious when I'm pretty sure I do?

Maybe the person gets defensive.

Maybe they react exactly the way I expected.

Maybe every piece of evidence I've collected over the years turns out to be completely accurate.

But maybe not.

Maybe they listen.

Maybe something lands differently this time.

Maybe they're more self-aware than I thought.

Maybe they're ready to hear something nobody has been willing to say.

Maybe they're trying to change, and I haven't left enough room to notice. 

Maybe they surprise me.

Leaving room for that possibility doesn't mean being naïve.

It doesn't mean ignoring patterns, abandoning boundaries, or repeatedly putting myself in situations where someone can hurt me.

It means I can pay attention to the evidence while still acknowledging something important:

My prediction is a prediction.

Not a fact.

Until it actually happens, I don't know.

That's harder for me to admit when I'm pretty confident I'm right.

Because there's another uncomfortable question underneath all of this:

How certain do I have to be about someone before I stop giving them the opportunity to surprise me?

I don't know.

But I'm becoming increasingly convinced that when I decide I already know exactly who someone is and exactly what they're going to do, their blind spots may no longer be the only ones in the room.

So I'm trying to leave a little room.

Not because the evidence doesn't matter.

Not because people always change.

And certainly not because everyone deserves unlimited chances.

But because sometimes the most dangerous assumptions aren't the ridiculous ones.

They're the ones we have really good reasons to believe.

Those are the ones I'm least likely to question.

And maybe the ones most worth getting curious about.

So until the conversation happens...

Until the person responds...

Until the thing I expect actually becomes the thing that happened...

I want to leave room to be surprised.

— Coach Dave

Your NoBS Reflection

NOTICE: Who am I certain I have figured out?

OWN: What do I actually know, and what am I predicting based on experience?

BUILD: Where could I leave a little room to be surprised?

SUSTAIN: How can I stay curious without ignoring what experience has taught me?