Listen Beyond the Words

Yesterday I finished Todd Gongwer's Lead... for God's Sake! 

I worked hard at finishing it in time because I was meeting him later that morning. 

How cool is that?

Somewhere along the way while reading it, an idea got planted in my head.

Listening to someone's words likely isn't enough. I also need to attune myself to what their heart may be saying.

That's not a quote from the book. It's simply a thought that formed in my mind as I read it. 

And I haven't been able to shake it.

I'm pretty good at listening to words. Or at least I think I am.

I can sit across from someone, hear what they're saying, ask questions, respond to what they've told me, and walk away believing I listened pretty well.

But did I?

Because sometimes the most important thing someone is telling me never comes out of their mouth.

It's in the pause before they answer.

The change in their tone.

The thing they keep coming back to.

The thing they won't talk about.

The expression that doesn't quite match the words.

The energy that suddenly changes when a certain subject comes up.

The silence.

What's happening in the room while the conversation is happening.

There is a lot being communicated if I'm willing to pay attention.

And maybe that's part of what it means to listen to someone's heart.

Not trying to read their mind.

Not assuming I know what they're feeling.

Not turning every crossed arm or uncomfortable pause into some amateur psychological diagnosis.

Just noticing.

Because if I'm only listening to your words, I may hear everything you say and still miss what you're trying to tell me.

That challenges me.

Especially because one of the things I'm intentionally working on right now is listening more than I talk.

I've jokingly called it my two ears, one mouth reminder.

But maybe listening more isn't enough either.

Maybe I need to listen better.

To pay attention to the whole person in front of me.

To notice when something changes.

To hear what's said.

To notice what's not.

And then get curious.

You got quiet when we started talking about that. What's going on?

I noticed your energy changed. Did I hit something there?

You keep coming back to that. Why is that important to you?

That's different from deciding I know what someone's heart is telling me.

It's simply recognizing there may be more to hear.

And there's a danger in all of this.

Noticing that someone's expression changed is an observation.

Deciding they're angry is an interpretation.

Those aren't the same thing.

The more I learn to notice, the more careful I need to become about what I decide my observations mean.

For now, I'm trying to become a better listener.

Not just to people's mouths.

To the whole person sitting in front of me.

— Coach Dave

Your NoBS Reflection

NOTICE: When I'm listening, what am I noticing beyond the words?

OWN: Am I really listening to understand, or am I already preparing what I want to say?

BUILD: What could I ask about something I've noticed instead of assuming I know what it means?

SUSTAIN: What would change in my relationships if people consistently felt truly heard by me?