If They Only Knew

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about how people see us.

We talked about how easy it is to look at another person's life—their success, the things they have, the way things seem to be going—and assume they've got it all together.

Somewhere in the conversation, he said something simple:

“If they only knew.”

That got me thinking.

Because I think most of us could finish that sentence.

If they only knew...

How much we doubt ourselves.

How often we get it wrong.

How hard we've worked for some of what looks easy now.

How much help we've had along the way.

How many things we're still trying to figure out.

The reality behind what people see isn't necessarily better or worse. It's just a lot more complicated.

Part of that is on us.

We wear masks.

We don't show everyone everything.

We choose what people get to see and what we keep to ourselves.

But something else hit me.

Not every mask people see is one we're wearing.

Some of them have been put on us.

People see part of our lives and fill in the rest.

Successful.

Confident.

Happy.

Struggling.

Difficult.

Has it all together.

Doesn't have a clue.

We see what we can see, and before long we've created a whole person out of a handful of observations.

And that's where this gets uncomfortable.

We do the same thing to other people.

Last week I wrote about the difference between observation and interpretation.

This may be where that gets personal.

I observe what's visible.

Then I interpret what it means.

And before I know it, I've filled in the parts I can't see.

It's easy for me to think:

If they only knew what they don't know about me.

The harder question is:

Who could say the exact same thing about me?

Who have I decided has it easy?

Who have I decided has it all together?

Who have I decided is difficult?

Who have I decided I understand based on the fraction of their life I can actually see?

There's always more to a person than I have access to.

That doesn't mean everyone is secretly struggling.

It doesn't mean what I see isn't real.

It just means it's incomplete.

I don't know what I don't know.

Maybe that's enough reason to be a little more curious.

A little less certain.

A little slower to fill in the blanks.

Because while I'm looking at someone else thinking I have a pretty good idea who they are...

they may be looking back at me thinking:

If they only knew.

— Coach Dave

Your NoBS Reflection

NOTICE: What have I decided about someone based only on what I can see?

OWN: Where might I be filling in the blanks and treating my interpretation as fact?

BUILD: Where could I replace an assumption with curiosity?

SUSTAIN: How can I remind myself that what I see is real—but incomplete?